You may once have been the twink that turned heads on the gay scene, but if any of these ring true, you could have become a middle-aged gay like me.
1. You’ve become a fetish. At first, that attention from twenty-something guys is flattering, until you realise, you are the older man. You’ve joined the ranks of bears and fat blokes – you’ve become a fetish!
2. You miss going out on the pull. Yes, it’s easier these days to meet likeminded guys looking for fun – it’s just a quick snap of your genitals away. But you kind of miss the excitement of actually going out to find some action - the eye contact, the flirting, the tension in the taxi back to theirs. The realisation that you slept together two months ago and they have really grotesque feet…Maybe you don’t miss that part.
3. You really need a grooming regime. Back when you were a twink, you took pride in your appearance, sure, but there was far less to worry about. One day you wake up and discover eyebrow hairs that are two inches long, nasal hair that Prince Charming couldn’t hack his way through and those bags under your eyes that used to disappear by mid-morning, they’re not just overnight bags anymore.
4. You dance like a dad. How did this happen? You have no children, you don’t even particularly like kids, but still, you dance like your father at a wedding.
5. Just saying no isn’t hard any more. Gurning your way through an evening and talking shite was never attractive, now it’s positively unseemly.
6. You can’t pass a pet rescue centre without thinking what a great companion a cat would be. Hey, it’s not like you’re out all the time.
7. You need to learn to cook. How did all your 40-something friends suddenly become domestic goddesses, when they spent their 20 and 30s off their heads in Heaven? Dinner parties are the new house party, so invest in Delia’s How to Cook.
8. You can’t shop at Topman anymore. It was the affordable go-to alternative to catwalk fashion, but one day you find yourself standing in Topman staring at the t-shirts and realising you don’t understand the cool slogans anymore. Maybe it’s time head to Zara, or if you really want to embrace your middle-age, Burtons.
9. You start to resent having to be funny. Why do straight men get to be grumpy and speak in sentences that don’t end in punchlines?
10. You talk about the scene in your day, as if you’d fought in WW 2. No-one cares how hard it was for you in the 70s/80s/90s – they gay youth of today are out, proud and loud and want you to shut up!
11. You miss when Pride was more political. We all love a boy band, and of course it’s great that straight people enjoy Pride too, but there was something exhilarating about marching through the streets in ridiculously tight shorts and giving the finger to all the haters gearing at you as you passed by.
12. You start to notice how many gay people are on TV now. It’s wonderful that gay people are represented so much more on the small screen, but sometimes it can take you by surprise when two guys get it on before the watershed. Mr Humphries never did that! Even Colin and Barry in EastEnders only ever shared a quick peck, and that made headlines!
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